Webs like knives

If emotions were hard, and **** were they hard…. Oh, so that was the end of that thought. Tabitha wasn’t healed. She was still feeling the blood loss. Healing magic could do wonders for an injury, but it didn’t actually put blood back into your body. You needed time for the wounds to close, the scars to heal, and the blood to regenerate. She was bad about that whole patience thing. She’d spent the day relaxing, the evening killing, and then hobbled over to Sharaku’s bedroom. She’d been fond of him, but after showing up and being carried inside to be helped, she could think of more interesting things to do in that room.

Sharaku was a nice enough guy, and Tabitha was fond of him, but she was still motivated by other things. Control. She pulled a strand of magical string between her fingers, latched on to either hand. She was going to learn a new spell. She’d been working on her stitching spell, and she was fairly confident she’d mastered that. Well, she would act confident that she had mastered it. With age, with practice, came skills, yes? For her, it came with spells. She didn’t understand Sharaku’s magic, but she didn’t discount it. Even so, she would rather have her own spells, like additional daggers in her arsenal. She liked to keep it all in the family.

230/2000

Her family of spells, not her family of people. She didn’t have a family. In a literal bloodline she did have relatives, and she probably could have found them if she felt so inclined, but there would be no point. They didn’t want anything to do with her, and she certainly didn’t want anything to do with them. With him. She would probably fly into a rage and cut his throat if she had the chance. She wouldn’t though, she wouldn’t have to, because she would never go and see him. Things were kept in her family of spells, in her tight reigned control, and that was how she liked it.

She’d recently cut a man’s head off. It was a bit surprising, because she had practically blacked out during it. She had been that angry, and in that much pain, that the combination of the two blinded her. She didn’t like losing control. She’d been in such control, until she saw that paper. From there she was emotional and upset. Next she was angry and confrontational. Blindly fighting, then helplessly weak. She’d had to go to Sharaku for help. How weak was that? How weak did she have to be to need help? It was horrifying. She needed to train her skills, sharpen them, and maybe later she would sharpen her mind.

453/2000

She looked back at the string stretched between her hands. She continued extending and pulling it back. She was also focusing on sharpening it. It wouldn’t cut her fingers. She was not sadistic nor masochistic, so hurting herself was out of the question. She wasn’t interested in hurting anyone else either, unless she needed to. Not to say she had any problem hurting others, but she didn’t want to hurt them just because. It was a waste of her energy. Maybe this was why she was so bored lately? She needed to get out and actually do things. Just do them for fun, instead of for work. It had been a long time since she’d dated. Having a girl with her had always kept her entertained. Probably because she had to work to keep them happy, and to learn about them. She wondered if dating really mattered that much. It probably wasn’t the romance, but more the engaging in another human’s life. It wasn’t hard to figure out that that came from vulnerability. Relationships, proper ones, required some vulnerability. So if she let herself get hurt she might be less bored with life. Entertainment in exchange for vulnerability. Tabitha would rather be bored.

656/2000

Unfortunately she could think of someone she might like to be less bored with. More unfortunate was that she noticed this due to vulnerability. It wasn’t her fault that he was a good person, mixed in with a bunch of crazy people. It was her fault for stumbling to his room while she bled out, but she couldn’t be blamed for an attachment. The only person she could have shown up to in the night. She shook her head, no point in bothering with all of that. She needn’t be interested. There was no point.

Tabitha walked through the forest. It was one of her favorite places. She considered this her yard. She knew she had no actual claim to the land, but she liked to romanticize about it. She had too much romancing going on in her head now. She had tied sashes and other objects around this area. She pulled her rope around in a circle. A trap. She began cutting the sashes. A nice clean strike between her strings. She started cutting sticks. Then logs. The logs were difficult. She needed to strengthen her string, sharpen it. It was all about how she channeled her magic. She focused her energy, the string sharpening like a knife. It just didn’t feel enough.

870/2000

She spent the next entire day cutting things. She felt her arm stinging as the day continued on, but she didn’t stop. She wasn’t someone who let the pains slow her down. She was a woman who had been through a lot, and needed to push past it to actually survive. Survival was a good thing, so here she was. She suspected that learning more spells would help her achieve a greater life expectancy. She felt like she’d finally figured out this particular spell. She was slicing through logs with precision. She wanted to be able to use it from a distance. She made a loop in her string, sending it away and cutting from there. It didn’t work though. She supposed she would need to use it at range someday, but for now she hadn’t mastered that. What she had mastered was enough.

She walked along until she found a tree she used for target practice. She hadn’t been much for trees as a child. She had been an indoor child, with good reasons. Things had all changed, and she was living in a whole different world. She hung strings up in the trees, then down, then let her daggers hang there. They clanked together like wind chimes. It wasn’t a pretty noise, but it was something she could control, which comforted her.

1094/2000

Tabitha didn’t like to think she needed comfort. Sometimes, unfortunately she still remained mostly human. It was so uncomfortable. She found herself listening to the awkward clanging of her daggers and thinking of that strange young man. Strange young man with those sapphire eyes. Her eyes were closed tight, listening to the noise, thinking about her friend. They were friends, by now, she hoped. She didn’t like to hope. She didn’t like to trust people, or depend on them. She just kept thinking about walking to the guild hall that night. It was a foolish place to go for help, and yet that stupid man was there. He was pretty cute, she supposed. She had always been able to appreciate the appearance of a man, but never been personally attracted to them. She never thought she would be, but she was feeling uncomfortable attached to this one. It was the near death experience, she supposed. Its foolish, Tabby. Professional distance… She was reminding herself, but it wasn’t helping. He doesn’t like you. Well didn’t that sting? It was odd that she was scolding herself over this. She could just say something, but why? She hadn’t trusted a man since she was a little girl. She hadn’t trusted the man who got her into her first dark guild, after all. She appreciated his help, and that she hadn’t let him kill her, but trust would have been laughable.

1331/2000

So what would I do if I wanted to actually like a man? Oh… no, no, I can’t kiss him. That doesn’t even… he’s a man. If he were a girl this would make perfect sense. Aw, he’d make such a cute girl. The earrings and the long hair help too. Is that why he is so cute? He looks on the feminine side? No, he may be a pretty boy, but he is a boy. He’s a very pretty boy. What is with those eyes? And his blushing. She laughed a little at her thoughts, Yeah, I want to make him blush more. I wonder what he would do if I told him I liked him? She stopped laughing. She stilled uncomfortably. All she could see was bad. He would find it weird, or he just wouldn’t feel that way. Was it worse if he just didn’t hang out with her after that? She didn’t want to tell him anything. She didn’t even know how she really felt. The issue of never being involved with a man was weighing on her. Also she’d only ever dated girls that were without magic. She really liked her exes, and was still friends with one, but that didn’t mean she was used to being open. They were her escape. A different world. Sharaku was involved in her real world, and she couldn’t risk muddying that up with vulnerability.

1567/2000

Tabitha decided that she was being stupid so she took down her daggers. String all gone. She sighed and rubbed her temples. Thinking about boys gave her a headache. Why did young girls think they were worth the headache? She couldn’t honestly tell herself this one wasn’t, but she refused to acknowledge it. What she needed right now was calm. She needed serenity. She needed to meditate. She had thought she should sharpen her mind, and how better to do that than to meditate? It was calm out here. She inhaled slowly, exhaled, and sat.

It was dark soon, but Tabitha wasn’t going to nap. She didn’t want to get attacked. She had caused quite a stir in town with that murder thing. Why was it such a big deal? She killed a murderer of children. She didn’t consider it playing God because she didn’t think she was one. She was just a woman with the skills to kill. She took control of her life, and she took control of other people’s lives if need be. It was what she did, and she wouldn’t defend it. Still, it might be good to get out of town for a little while. She needed something new to sharpen herself. With some thought she settled on the jobs of others. Yes, that could work. Those “legitimate” guilds had jobs. She could just steal them! Yes, the change of pace would be lovely.

1806/2000

The fair skinned woman stood up, stretching her arms and yawning. Apparently meditation put her in a tired place. She thought for a moment about sharing her new goal with a friend, but then her eyes turned sharp. No, no, she needed distance. She would take her time and later they would talk. No about her feelings for him, that would be awful. They were just going to talk about whatever came to mind. Nothing personal or important unless it felt right. It never felt right to a woman like her, with defenses like barbed wire. It hurt her to try to lower them, and it tore up anyone who tried to climb over. No, she was just intimidating enough to keep herself safe, and just tempting enough to keep prey close. She didn’t like to want things she shouldn’t really have, but when she found herself wanting them, she remembered what she wanted more. What was the driving force in her life? The thing that kept her safe, and sane, and out of harm’s way? What was something her mother’s death had deprived her of? What had her father’s complete and utter lack of loyalty deprived her of? Control, and Tabitha wasn’t going to let that go without a fight.

2017/2000