Cold Hearts

Ren had awful luck with flirting. Well, no, relationships. She didn’t have awful luck with flirting because she didn’t flirt. Even when she’d been dating, she didn’t flirt, she just sort of followed his lead. That particular man was a very good example of why Ren found men so utterly terrifying. They were scarier than woman, and women were pretty scary too. Kotone wasn’t scary. She was confusing at times, but she wasn’t scary. Still, no matter when Ren thought of Kotone, nothing that could come out of the awkward teenager’s mouth would have been flirting. Even if she thought Kotone probably did look cute blushing when she was complimented.

When Kotone left and returned Ren tried to be nicer. More honest. She was relaxing, so it was easier. It wasn’t even really intentional. Kotone seemed confused by the comments and looked awkward, making Ren feel bad. She stopped, but then when Kotone commented on Ren’s magic she looked surprised. “There is?” She wasn’t stupid, but she was sincerely confused by this. She didn’t even like her magic. She did, deep down, but when she thought about it she couldn’t bring herself to like it, because of everything she’d been told.

“Of course,” Kotone nodded, giving her a small, reassuring grin. She looked back at the water, casting her now prepared line into the water and wondering how well her ice hook would work. She let out a small, relaxed sigh. “There’s me, isn’t there?” she asked. In truth, Kotone didn’t think there was any magic as cool as her own, and that wasn’t even a pun. She liked it quite a lot. She did like other people’s magic sometimes though, and thought perhaps she should learn a second type of magic to help compensate for her weakness to things like fire magic. She’d already all but mastered her dragon slayer magic, save for honing what she already had as she got stronger, herself.

She didn’t have to wait long until the line tugged. Apparently one of the fish was hungry. She tightened her grip, jerking upward and looking at the fish on the hook. She was almost surprised. She had expected to not catch much this time of year and probably just feed it to Sid. “Huh. Maybe you’re better luck than you think you are,” she commented to Ren even as she recalled Ren tripping over her own feet. “At least to other people.”

Kotone said that “of course” there were people who liked her magic. Ren still found this pretty confusing. Kotone wasn’t exactly explaining either, so Ren just sat there thinking about it. Did that mean Kotone actually liked it? Because that would be nice, but what about the magic did she like? She did say that she liked it, or implied it heavily enough it was clear. Still, Ren was just wondering why she would. Asking seemed too similar to disagreeing, so she just accepted that, “Well… th-thank you. Its… nice for someone to,” she said, her tone quiet but not as timid as it sometimes came out.

Ren blushed when Kotone said she was better luck than she thought, maybe. At least to other people. She looked away, “No I’m not,” she said seriously. She wasn’t sure her eyes felt heavy, or full, or what it was about that statement that affected her so much. She’d know if she dug through it for a while. She was bad for people. She couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t elaborate, even in her own head, she refused. She blinked several times, then as she looked around, she put a hand up to her face to brush the almost non-existent wetness from under them. She didn’t want to dwell on this, or for Kotone to notice, so she just looked back at her pole, “But thanks… maybe I’m good for cats at least,” she said, since the fish was probably mostly for Sid.

Ren insisted that she couldn’t possibly be good luck to other people, and Kotone wasn’t going to concern herself with raising Ren’s level of confidence. After all, she barely knew her, and it was probably a lot more work than Kotone had time for. “If you say so,” she told Ren with a shrug, “Though running into you has been pretty lucky for me,” she reminded the girl anyway. Sid was sticking his head in the bucket that the fish was in now, and kept sticking his paw in as if he would dive into the water and get the fish while it was still alive.

“Sorry, Sid, but unless you stop hating water so much you’re going to have to wait,” she reminded her furry companion, who just kept poking the water then shaking a paw. He wanted the fish so badly it was almost sad… but also hilarious at the same time. “What do you think? Should we go for enough for us and Sid?” The dragon slayer asked Ren as she pulled on the line and hooked yet another fish. At this point she was cheating a bit with her magic and the ice hook she’d formed. When the fish got too close she froze the water pulled it up, letting the ice shatter just about the time it got to the surface and flinging it into the bucket. She didn’t want Sid to have all of the fun from their work. Even if the work was surprisingly relaxing.

Yeah, Ren needed help. Her confidence, her willpower, her lack of understanding about normal healthy relationships. She didn’t know how to act with superiors, how to feel about parents, how to like herself, how to take compliments. She’d been a pretty good friend back when she had one, and now she didn’t, and it was better for everyone. Better for her so they hurt her less when they stabbed her in the back or left or got tired of her neediness. It was better for them because she’d just disappoint them in the end. Maybe they’d end up dead too, maybe not…. She was so bad for everyone, maybe she should have kept living on the streets not bothering anyone. “Mmm,” Ren responded without energy at Kotone said running into her had been lucky. She didn’t see why. Kotone had to carry a big heavy box for a long ways and didn’t get anything for it except a place to sleep that night and some weird company. Ren was in her own head by now, hardly noticing Sid being ornery until Kotone said something.

“Some cats like water… that would make them better fishers…” she added quietly. Kotone asked about catching a lot of fish, “Uh, yeah… that sounds good,” she agreed. Catching fish would be easier if Ren “cheated” with her magic, but instead she just waited. They didn’t seem all that interested right now, but she knew fishing took time. Except for Kotone, who was apparently amazing at it. Ren wasn’t sure what to say, so she just sat there, feeling bad for not talking much, but too bad to talk much. At least when she eventually did catch a fish and pull it in, she could put it in the bucket and pat Sid on the head, which was a nice change of pace from awkwardly sitting there.

Kotone and Ren fished for a little while longer, though after a couple of fish, Kotone mostly stopped cheating. She’d only cheated so that Sid wouldn’t be the only one with food anyway. Once that was done, and Kotone had made sure to tell Ren it had been fun fishing, she went about cooking the fish (except for Sid’s) for a bit of an outdoor meal. She had become a decent cook in all of her years alone, and could make decent food with almost nothing.

As the teenage dragon slayer munched on the last bits of her fish, she licked her fingers and slowly got up from the rock she had been sitting on for the last several minutes, giving Ren a rare grin. It was rare because it wasn’t exactly cocky. Most of her grins were full of “I’m better than you.” She stuffed her hands in her pockets. “It’s been a lot of fun, Ren,” she said in the closest approximation she had to thanking people. “I’ve… kind probably spent enough time having fun though. Hero stuff and all…” She rubbed the back of her neck, not wanting to go exactly, but feeling bad enough for taking a day for herself.

Ren felt bad having a day to herself, enjoying herself. Not because she actually had anything to do, but because she didn’t deserve happiness. She enjoyed fishing. She enjoyed Kotone’s company. She… enjoyed herself. That was wrong. Ren knew better. It wasn’t her parent’s betrayal, it wasn’t her loss, it was knowing that she didn’t deserve happiness. It was so rooted in fact that no amount of fishing could change it. Still, she found herself smiling, and enjoying herself, and generally pleased. It only stung a bit more when Kotone spoke later.

“O-oh, w-well… then… I guess you can…. Go whenever. Its okay. Hero stuff and all,” Ren admitted. Hero stuff... who did she know that was a hero? Probably most of them. Guild mages. They helped people. They hurt bad guys. They saved people. Heroes… everyone but her. No doubt Kotone had things to do. Whether Kotone knew it or not, anything she had to do was better than waste her time with Ren. No amount of hero worship could dissuade Ren from that fact. No amount of dilussion. One day could not magically replace a lifetime of worthlessness. Two days, a month, a year. Ren knew she was bad, she just didn’t understand it wasn’t her fault. Kotone didn’t even know that much. “So… I hope… um… you save a lot of people,” she said, her shyness returning.

Kotone grinned at Ren. She had no idea what the girl was thinking, but could tell she was disappointed. In a way, Kotone was too. Neither of them had friends, and after this it was her going back to being on her own again as well. She might choose to make life lonely for herself, but she knew better than to get other people involved. She didn’t think anyone leaving again in her life would be at all bearable. She’d spent long enough crying about parents she’d never met and the father that she had as a child. It was better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost, as far as Kotone was concerned. At least then there was no pain.

Kotone nearly put her hand on Ren’s shoulder, but decided Ren probably wouldn’t like being touched, so she dropped her hand again before it got too far, instead giving Ren a small, vaguely cocky wink. “Fiore’s not that big a country. Next time I’m in town I’ll stop at Lamia Scale and ask for you, alright?” She deflated a bit at Ren’s hope that she saved a lot of people, but only grinned slightly more a moment later. “Don’t worry, saving people’s what I do. Sort of anyway.” Kotone looked at the fishing hook she hadn’t untied and put away yet, but decided to hand the pole back to Ren instead. “You might not want the stick, but keep the hook. As a memento.” She wasn’t sure why she felt the need to give Ren a present… she supposed it was that disappointed tone in her voice… but it couldn’t be helped, and delaying would only make it worse later.

It was hard for Ren to form attachments to anyone. It was harder for her than anyone else she had ever met. At least Kotone had a cat. Instead of having a cat, Ren had magic, that she was ashamed of. She’d like to change that, but thus far… she couldn’t. It was sad to say goodbye, and Ren wasn’t sure how she should act. Kotone was being nice at least. She was a pretty nice girl.

Surprisingly Kotone offered Ren a present. First she winked, putting on that front like she liked doing. Ren wasn’t sure it was a front. In fact, she wouldn’t have known to call it that, but it sure felt that way. It felt like people really just didn’t understand her. She’d changed so much around Kade, but when it was just the two of them, Kotone was a lovely lady. Ren was going to remember that. When she was offered the present she blushed. Ran held the hook in her hand, putting it in her hoodie pocket. She knew exactly what she would do with it. “Th-thank you… I’ll see you later… It’ll be fun,” she insisted, nodding as she spoke. She didn’t tell Kotone, but she was going to have a present for her. It would be hard, but she was excited to make it. Maybe Kade would even help her.