Past and Present

Ren thought dancing was fun, huh? Maybe they could… no, probably not. Astra couldn’t tell if she should even flirt with the girl. It was hard to say, but Astra certainly had her hopes. Especially when Ren stammered out that she wouldn’t have visited if it were a problem. It had the side effect of making Astra blush some more. She had no idea what to do about any of it. She’d never had a significant other of any kind… or she didn’t think she did. It would be awkward if she was like, married or something and didn’t remember it. She had a strong feeling in the back of her mind that said this wasn’t so, though.

Astra looked to Ren a little more bashfully than before, looking away quickly. “Okay, well, you know… I’ll… I’ll try not to do anything too stupid or scary…” she told Ren with a nod, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. “I want to be friends at least... or more... I mean... I've never had anyone like... that.” she nodded to herself. Ren was cute. She was… odd, adorable, shy, and pretty, though Astra wished she ate more. She was worried about Ren for how skinny she was, and had been before. She’d just never had a chance to say it. “D-don’t let me being weird scare you off...” She stated it, but was a bit more of a pleading statement than it sounded like.

Yeah, Ren didn’t eat. Her body was eating itself just to survive, but she still didn’t eat. She didn’t know how. It wasn’t natural for her to eat a normal amount. Years had trained her mind to think that she had to stop eating, even when she was hungry. That was just what happened. She hadn’t talked to anyone about it, and she didn’t intend to, but it was noticeable for some people. Much less so, given that her torso and arms were always covered in a hoodie. Or nearly always. Even in the summer she wore that hoodie. It was probably her best friend more than Kotone, but she would have given it up for Kotone… if that ever came up.

So the girls walked in red faced awkwardness, not sure how to handle either themselves or the other. Astra was probably luckier, having no experience in dating. Ren’s experience had been anything but healthy. It was just… well, she didn’t talk about it. Kenji kicked her out, and that had been the end of it. Astra was looking at Ren, but Ren did not falter in her staring contest with the ground. “Its okay…” Ren reminded her quietly. She wanted to be friends. Or more. Ren blinked, losing the staring contest, but starting again, almost tripping on a small rock, then the dirt, and finally recovering into normal walking. “Um…. O-okay, I w-won’t let… i-it…” she admitted. She wasn’t really sure how to talk about this. She didn’t want to date. She didn’t even want friends. That was what she told herself. Astra was always so… direct, even when being embarrassed. Ren just wasn’t sure what to say now.

Astra’s mind was moving a million miles an hour. She had no idea what to do or say. Or rather, she had too many ideas of what to do or say, and had no idea what was a good idea or not. She walked in silence as Ren tried to win a contest with the ground, and she simply let herself fidget nervously. “Th-thanks,” she nodded to Ren when she told Astra it was okay. Her eyes darted back and forth, and she fidgeted with her bangs a bit, though they obviously weren’t going to stay out of her eyes if she was going to also stare at the ground.

“So um…” Astra wanted to press the whole dating idea, but she also didn’t. She was terrified of the idea, and just as terrified of being told no. She knew how she felt, but she was also pretty sure that even if Ren didn’t implode from such a thing, she might. “I don’t want to ask anything you don’t want to tell me… but…” she was wringing her hands out a bit. “What was your boyfriend like? I hope he wasn’t… too mean…” Based on how Ren acted, she doubted Ren had had any luck with boys or friends before she’d come to Lamia Scale. She wasn’t even sure how people ad gotten her to join. “I mean… I’d never be mean to someone I was lucky enough to… I… er…” she shook her head. “Sorry if I’m asking about too private of things… I just want to learn more about you…”

It was sad, but also cute, how they worked together. Astra was anxious when Ren didn’t react much, and Ren preferred to react as little as possible. They made quite the pair. It was doubtful that either of them really cared about being especially “cute” though, given the circumstances. Astra thanked Ren and Re didn’t comment. Astra fidgeted. Ren should say something, but she didn’t know.

Apparently the weird change of subject was going to make Astra ask things? What was her boyfriend like?! Ren’s eyes veered off in the direction away from Astra. What was he liked? She hoped he wasn’t too mean. “Um…. K-Kenji…” she began. She wasn’t sure what to say. Mean? “Um… I n-never had to talk…” because he didn’t want her to, “Or l-leave the… the caravan…” because he didn’t want her to, “u-until he got…. He made…. He didn’t like me anymore…” she said, awkwardly. She wasn’t even good enough for her abusive and possessive boyfriend. That was a pretty big blow to her already non-existent self-esteem. “I’m never good enough at anything for anyone…” she mumbled. It was such a bad topic for her. Even though she wasn’t trying to make this about her. She didn’t want Astra to be sad, or feel guilty, but it was one of the darker times in Ren’s already dark life. “S-sorry, I d-don’t want you to be sad…”

Astra listened as Ren *almost* told Astra about her boyfriend. He didn’t sound like much of a boyfriend to her though, and it kind of made Astra a mix of mad and sad. She wasn’t sure what to say though, until Ren decided she wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone. She looked to Ren, a slight frown on her face. “That’s not true at all,” Astra told her, careful not to raise her voice as much as she wanted. She was firm though. “You’re a wonderful girl… I mean, I don’t know about other people, but to me you’ve always been nice even when I scared you away, and I’ve seen your shadow magic when you were hanging around where people would leave you alone… and I think it’s really neat and pretty… and… and…”

Astra wasn’t really sure what to say. She had very little to go on with the blond girl, really. “And… and I bet it’d be a lot of fun to learn to dance with you and things,” she squeezed her eyes shut as she said the last part. She didn’t want to get overly emotional, but she was sort of failing. She didn’t want to cry. She’d cried too much lately. “And… you and Ava are my favorite two people… and I’d spend more time with you if you’d let me…” Astra kept going. She wanted really badly to show Ren that regardless what other people thought… “And other people are stupid and wrong and you’re awesome!" she finally exclaimed, raising her voice more as she tried to hold back tears with her squeezed-shut eyes.

Ren didn’t really talk about her past. Kenji was part of her past. She also didn’t talk about her present, or her future. She didn’t like to talk. She was trying really hard for Astra. Like really hard. Astra just argued now. Ren flinched within her hoodie as Astra said it wasn’t true. She wasn’t even being mean, just firm. But Ren was… Ren. Hypothetically she was wonderful, and always nice even when she was scared, and her magic… no. She shook her head. It wasn’t pretty. She felt her eyes begin to well up. No. It wasn’t Well, it was. She thought it was… but… she was wrong. Ren’s eyes grew red, but she kept looking away.

Astra kept talking. Dancing would be fun. She really liked Ren and Ava. More time. And then she got worked up, telling Ren that she was wrong and awesome. Ren just fidgeted, a lot, within her hoodie. “I… think…” she spoke slowly, “I think its pretty… b-but… its not… its not good enough for… ” she shrugged her shoulders weakly. “Its not pretty like fire magic… and I’m not… g-graceful like dancers are supposed to be… I think…” her lip trembled slightly as she tried to sound a little bit more confident than the antithesis of confidence, “I am okay… b-but… I-its not about me anyway,” she said, finally just wanting to change the subject. She pulled her hood down tight over her face, brushing her sleeve over her eyes to catch and stray moisture, before finally looking at Astra to check on her.

Ren obviously couldn’t accept what Astra was saying. That simple fact sucked. Like… really really sucked. Not because it was hurting Astra’s feelings, which it was, though it wasn’t Ren’s fault. The people that had made Ren think this way was what upset Astra. She wanted really badly to yell at them or even hit them if she had the opportunity, especially this ‘boyfriend’ who was no boyfriend at all! Astra was silent for a long time when Ren started protesting, saying she didn’t have pretty fire magic or grace like dancers.

“Who cares if you don’t have fire magic?” Astra asked quietly after a moment. “Fire magic is stupid and hot and I don’t like it very much,” she decided with a shrug. “Your shadow magic is an extension of who you are… it’s… part of you, and it’s really neat and beautiful,” she kept her quiet tone, still fighting off tears. “And… I hear you’re really strong despite not being able to dance or use fire. I’ve… I’ve seen the way you look clumsy sometimes, but I’ve also seen you trip at the guild hall and by some miraculous chance you avoided tripping into someone holding breakable stuff… I think… I think you’re a lot more graceful than you know… that’s what I think…”

Astra shrugged. Despite her mood and quietness right now, she was honestly doing a lot better than she had been before Ren came. “I don’t know how important what I think is, but… I like you how you are. I didn't... don't... have a crush on someone with fire magic or the grace of dancers... I’d like you if you never ever changed. I’d like you even if you did… but I’d only want you to change anything if you wanted to… I dunno…” Astra shrugged again, falling silent and only glancing at Ren for a moment before looking at the ground.

She didn’t like making Astra get worked up. She was supposed to be cheering the girl up. She listened to Astra rant. It felt like a rant. She felt herself recoil into herself. It wasn’t anything physical. It was emotional. Astra, even now, had so much more intense of a personality than Ren knew how to handle. It was strange that she could handle Kotone, who was very intense, but not Astra. Maybe it was the romantic thing. She didn’t know. Her nose felt wet, and when she licked her top lip it tasted salty. She ran her hoodie sleeve along her face again, gathering all the moisture once more.

Astra had said a lot. It wasn’t exactly that she was arguing with how Ren felt. She was arguing with what Ren had been told all her life. Astra was so thoughtful and emotional, and that was what made Ren cry. It was nice, sure, but that wasn’t why the tears were coming. It was the amount of emotions in Astra, and them bleeding over to Ren. She didn’t know what to say to Astra. Astra was being so very nice, and Ren just didn’t know how to handle it.

“I know…” she said with a gulp. “I kn-know that I am graceful…. Well… I’m something. A-and I think my shadows are pretty. B-but… my parents always… said they weren’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. Th-that’s why they made me stop taking dance class… I made them look bad… because I was so wrong… a-and my magic was ‘bad magic’… people still tell me that. They think I’m b-bad because I use shadows. And only bad people use shadows. But they’re stupid…” she mumbled. Astra didn’t have a crush on anyone with fire magic, and stuff like that. Ren fidgeted, “I know… I know you like me… how I am… I’m sorry I upset you… I’m not trying to…” she said awkwardly. She was trying, but it was difficult. Astra going on and on didn’t exactly help, even if it got Ren to say more.

Astra didn’t like that Ren was so worked up. She wanted to comfort the poor girl, not make her more upset. Maybe she was just cursed to be horrible with people. Was she really that bad? All she had to go off of right now was the fact that she could remember punching some boy for some reason when she was younger. It was hardly a complete picture, but she suspected it meant her people skills weren’t… the best ever. The tiny girl let out a sigh, running her fingers through her bangs as she tried to figure out what to do.

“I don’t want to sound too insulting…” Astra started up after a moment, a frown on her face. “But your parents are stupid,” she decided firmly. “I think I might hate them.” She was a bit surprised to hear herself say it, but she was more surprised to find out that it was true. “Shadows aren’t bad, and aren’t any less pretty than fire. And if you weren’t good enough at dancing, that’s what practice is for,” she had stopped walking and was frowning at the ground at this point. “I don’t care what anyone says. It’s their fault you have confidence issues, and I hate them for it. You’re perfectly fine and I like you for who you are regardless of that fact. I don’t remember my parents yet, but I don’t feel like any parents could be that stupid without them being a hundred percent more broken.”

Everyone was worked up. Everyone felt. Everyone had good intentions. At least between the two Lamia Scale girls. It didn’t make anything easier. In fact, it probably made it harder. Trying so hard and not getting much of anywhere. Ren sniffled a little, drying her face once more to calm herself. Astra didn’t want to sound insulting… but then insulted Ren’s parents. Ren fidgeted a little, she didn’t know how to handle this, still.

“… hating is bad…” she mumbled. “And I haven’t seen them since they left, so… its… there’s no need…” She just wanted Astra to feel better. Hating people wasn’t good. It didn’t make her feel any better. Besides, Ren’s parents and her magic really weren’t the entirety of Ren’s issues. She had many more things just lurking in her past, prodding her back into obscurity when she felt she might make something of herself. Astra didn’t know the story, she was just angry.

Ren tugged at her hood idly, waiting for the rant to end. “Its… okay… I’m okay… really…” Pacifying Astra was the first priority. Maybe this was better than her being depressed in her room, but Ren figured this wasn’t going to help in the long run. The anger would wear off and the sad would return. That was how people worked.